


There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

by acruxes



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, pynchweek, pynchweek2018, slight mentions of sexual content, tw: mentions of self harm and suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 11:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15460368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acruxes/pseuds/acruxes
Summary: Adam and Ronan struggle around the idea of Adam leaving for college, but it's not something they can avoid for much longer, and Adam has the perfect way of making Ronan know they're gonna be okay.





	There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

**Author's Note:**

> hey fuckers!! this is my first (published) pynch work that i actually had the guts to publish!!??!? we stan a confident gal y'all!! anyways, i just recently decided that maybe my writing is good and made a blog (@/greywwaren on tumblr) to publish some stuff! it's mostly gonna be pynch and drarry, maybe some pansy and ginny :)  
> wrote this for pynch week. prompt is home. enjoy m'loves.

"You coming, Parrish?"

Adam's thoughts snapped back into reality by the sound of Ronan's voice behind him. They were at a grocery store, just outside of Henrietta, buying ingredients for the pie Ronan insisted on baking celebrating a month of having Gansey alive and well beside them – jokingly, because Gansey hated pies. His eyes, though, were glued to a bottle of vodka sitting on a small fridge the corners of the store; he remembered everything about the night a bottle just like the one in front of him almost changed his life.

"Hey." said Ronan, softer as he realized Adam was slightly frozen by it. He walked beside him, touching the side of his arm, a little below his shoulders and Adam's whole skin tickled by it. He followed his gaze, and Adam really hoped that after he'd blink, the bottle would disappear.

It hadn't. Ronan shifted his weight, "Adam." this wasn't the average Adam he'd eventually say. Ronan didn't quite like using Adam's name for no reason, like he cherished how it sounded when it rolled off his tongue. It was usually only Parrish, or him, or asshole. But never Adam. 

He used 'Adam' when Ronan would be lying in bed at the Barns and he couldn't keep his mind off the fact that his arms were around Adam's hips, his hand was flat against his bare chest, legs tangled up and the fact that Adam fit so perfectly around his body didn't seem real. It seemed like another one of Ronan's dreams, where Adam was always there but so far away at the same time. He used 'Adam' when things were so hard he just wanted to bury his head on the boy’s collarbone and hope the world wouldn't find them. He used it when Adam would be sleepily, shirtless and unbelievably beautiful on his bed and the sight of it made Ronan's stomach turn. He used it when Adam's hands were down his boxers and the only thing he would think of was exactly that. Adam.

"I-I had a bad memory." he said after a minute of thinking, shaking his head and turning to face Ronan fully, leaving the image of the bottle behind as he shifted, "Sorry. Did you get everything?"

He did this a lot; Ronan had noticed he did every time they touched a subject he preferred to forget. He’d ask Ronan to drop it, but if it was truly something that bothered him he’d find a way to talk about it later. Sometimes, though, Ronan couldn’t just drop it, "What memory?"

"It was nothing." he replied, gazing to Ronan's hand and nodding once he saw the grocery bags. He met his eyes, "We should get going."

Ronan's jaw clenched. He had a feeling they weren’t finished about this, "Yeah." he nodded too, and followed Adam to the door. Adam yanked it open and quickly exited, almost slamming the door on Ronan's face; he caught it just a second away from hitting his face.

The cold air blew on his face once he stepped outside, "What the fuck was that, Parrish?" he said, louder and the watched Adam sit inside the BMW, irritated.

He opened the driver's door, and sat inside too. Adam turned his head to the window, pulling his hoodie up and burying his face inside it, "You can't just act like you fucking saw Noah again and not tell me about it. Fucking spill."

Adam sighed, "I didn't see Noah."

"What the fuck did you see, then?" 

"That vodka bottle." said Adam, a little lower, still not looking at Ronan, "It reminded me of-"

Ronan shook his head, "Of?"

"Of my father, Ronan." he said, on edge and like he regretted saying it the second it slipped out. The sound of Ronan's name on his lips didn't help, because the same way Ronan felt about saying Adam's name was how he felt about Ronan's, "I-it was on one of his episodes. He lashed out, drunk, and the bottle broke on the floor, a-and-" Adam's voice cracked.

"Hey." Ronan said again, and let his hand automatically rest on Adam's knee, "You don't have to talk about it." he blinked a little longer, and let of a breath, "I hadn't realized it was a touchy subject."

"It's fine." Adam nuzzled even more against the window, "Just drive."

Ronan considered pushing him to talk about it, to tell him his suffering and anger were safe in Ronan's thoughts. Instead, he squeezed, just barely, Adam's knee, and started the car.

***

When Adam told Ronan to drive, he didn't say where.

He never did. It was always just something both of them knew; if they could avoid sleeping far away from each other, they would. Ronan had no doubt that all Adam wanted was the quiet of the Barns that very instant, so he drove.

Adam was thankful that the Barns wasn't as close to that grocery store as he liked the moment they drove there in the first place, because in all truth, Adam loved Ronan's driving. He loved the way Ronan just let himself be when he drove. He loved the thrill of it all, the angry, ranging engine. Adam knew Ronan wanted people to react to him just the same as they would react to that loud engine; but Adam couldn't.

When Adam looked at Ronan all he could see was something safe. Not mad. Not cold. Not harmful. He saw the Ronan that pecked his forehead before bed. The Ronan that intentionally placed a glass of water on the table at breakfast because he knew Adam couldn't eat without drinking a whole glass first. It was the Ronan he saw that took care of Opal so gently and caring that Adam might just break at the sight of it.

Ronan noticed he was staring, gazing from him to the road and then to his thighs very quickly, like he was containing his grin. It was just barely raining outside, a small drizzle interfering with the lights as they drove on the dark road, "D'you think he'll hate it?"

Adam knew what they were suddenly talking about, "He's Gansey." he said, "He'll like it even if it’s pie."

Ronan nodded slowly, and it somehow made it lighter with his slightly shaved head (Adam had maybe whispered between touches one day that he'd very much like to see Ronan's black curly hair hanging from his ears. Ronan only smiled, pressed their bodies like there was any space between them, and hadn't shaved since then), "Did you call Sargent? Let her know what time to show up?"

"Yeah." his answer was simple, and Adam could already see the small yet visible Barns in the horizon, fuzzy because of the rain. He wished there was a block around there somewhere so they could just go round and round until the sun came up, "Called her after class."

Ronan said nothing, and as they got closer to the house, Adam's mind came back to the reason he had appeared at the Barns after work, and he shivered at the thought, swallowing a little harder than he usually would.

Ronan had noticed, "You nervous?"

Adam's eyebrow quirked down slightly, "Why would I be?"

He chuckled. Adam's skin burned, "You look like shit." he parked the car, and gave him a look, "That's all."

"Just tired, I guess." he said back, and waited a little once Ronan had gotten out of the car. He turned his head, and grabbed his backpack and the groceries from the backseat. His hands curled on the straps, and closed his eyes for a moment.

This had to happen eventually. Both him and Ronan knew it would.

When he finally got out, pulling his hoodie up so wouldn’t get as wet, Ronan was looking at him, and if Adam didn’t know him he’d say that look was murderous, but it was actually how Ronan tried and failed to hide how worried he actually was.

He said nothing. Instead Ronan's jaw clenched again and he swallowed, before focusing on the floor right in front of Adam and turning to enter the house. He took a slow step up the porch. Their porch, and opened the typical southern door and went inside. The only thing Adam could hear was Ronan's muffled screams to Opal telling her they were home.

Adam was home.

He knew the Barns might not be his on paper, or literally for that matter, but it was when he and Ronan arrived there, together, with something as domestic as groceries for pie-baking that made him rethink all the things he was about to say to Ronan that very night.

Adam stood there at the porch for a minute or two, just remembering the euphoria mixed with complete confusion of their second kiss. How good and alive it had been. 

That Adam and that Ronan were the ones they currently called out. The Adam that Ronan would walk every inch of grass in the world to see. That Ronan that Adam would give all -and little- of his things to see.

They're still here, thought Adam, just blinded by fear.

When Adam went inside, it was Opal that he saw first, "Hey, sweetheart." he greeted, smiling at her and bending down so he could peck her hair, "Please tell me you didn't make a mess while we were gone."

She said something in a language he knew not even Ronan could understand, but smiled at Adam either way. She went back to running around, and disappearing before his eyes. He looked up, and Ronan was leaning against the entry between the living room and the kitchen, a beer in hand and a small, yet faint smile tugging at his lips. His heart just slightly jumped as his brain registered the faint sound of thunder outside the windows.

"How southern could you get?" he teased, popping an eyebrow up. Adam blushed, "Sweetheart?"

Ronan secretly liked Adam's accent. God, he fucking loved it. He didn't use it often, and hid it very carefully; but when he was with Ronan, he didn't mind letting it slip. He'd nonchalantly say 'mornin' or Ronan's name with that accent and it would drive Ronan mad, like he could hear it for hours. 

"Shut up." Adam rolled his eyes, walking over to the counter and setting the plastic bags. Ronan followed him, and leaned against the surface and watched Adam so delicately put the items they had bought in place.

He knew were everything went, Ronan knew that very well, though he had never really processed the idea, "D'you want a sandwich? I haven't eaten all day." Adam said, nonchalantly as he looked through the bags while Ronan just stared at him, mesmerized.

Ronan didn't answer, Adam still moved around the kitchen and he couldn't help but notice how thin Adam actually was. He had seen him shirtless countless times, and though he couldn't keep his eyes off him for the most part of it, it had never occurred that Adam might just be unhealthy and not taking care of himself.

He sipped his beer, "Ronan." Adam called, because inside the Barns he was Adam and Ronan was Ronan, nothing else, "Fucking answer."

He sounded tired, almost drained. Ronan set his beer down on the counter; and walked over to where he was, pinning him lightly and taking both of Adam's hands in his, "You've had a long day." he was struggling a little, because he didn't act this civil half the time, "Go and take a shower. I'll make something for you to eat."

Adam's face was the same for a second, but then he smiled, thinly, "You smell like beer." he pushed Ronan's chest back, and left him smiling to himself too.

"C'mon, I'm being serious." he said, and grabbed Adam's wrist right before he started heading to where Ronan kept his washing machine, and knowing exactly that it was this part of the night that Adam tried to act like a housewife to run away from a conversation. Adam stopped, and looked at him. Ronan was indeed serious, "You're tired." he said, stepping closer, "Go. Relax."

Adam thought for a moment; the more time he spent away from Ronan's bed the more time he had to actually plan what he was going to say, think it through for the twentieth time just that day. He sighed, and felt Ronan's hand slip behind his lower back, and draw small circles there. His forehead touched Ronan's and just then he had realized how tired he really was.

Ronan touched their noses, and pecked his lips. Adam made a face, "I know you're trying to be a good person but I do hate that alcohol breath."

Ronan smiled, and turned Adam's wobbly body around, "Shower, asshole."

Adam laughed, Ronan's ribs felt like they had crushed themselves.

***

Adam hated his shower thoughts.

He hated them because they were once a place he had to breathe, to calm down, to run away from the monster outside his old bathroom. 

Now, Adam could breathe and calm down and not have to run from monsters in various places; Fox Way, Monmouth, the Barns.

Though the place he did most of those things were in Ronan Lynch's presence, most likely with his head on his bare chest and Ronan's hand traveling up and down his bare back. A good feeling spreading all through Adam's body, and it was like there was no demon to begin with.

Adam finished his shower thinking that maybe all of this stalling to talk to Ronan was only going to be resolved if that exact image happened, so he stepped out of the shower, and put on some clothes. Ronan's clothes.

He jogged downstairs, and ate the sandwich with Coke left on the table. Ronan wasn't around, the first thought that came to mind was that he was either putting Opal to sleep or trying to feed Chainsaw actual raven food, whatever that was.

After that, Adam checked if all of the windows in the first floor were closed, reminding himself that the rain was probably going to worsen at night. He headed upstairs, passing Declan's room and then Matthew's, stopping at Ronan's ajar door.

Adam touched the wood, so it would open just a little further so he could check if Ronan was actually there. The window was closed, and Ronan was right in front of it taking off his shirt, and exposing his tattoo.

A thing that made Adam Parrish completely weak to his knees was Ronan's tattoo. He didn't know why exactly, but the drawing on his back were simply so Ronan, so familiar. He watched as he then put on another shirt, this time white and bigger, like it had belonged to someone twice his size one day.

"What took you so long?" asked Ronan, saying it before he turned to look at Adam, unzipping his pants, "I'll have to dream some hot fucking water next time you're here."

Adam gulped, Ronan was in his boxers. Grey boxers (Adam had never seen Ronan in grey boxers. God.), "I guess you'll have to."

He didn't know why he was suddenly so flustered by Ronan in his underwear. It was nothing he hadn't seen before. He slipped on the sweatpants laying on his bed, and Adam slowly walked to it, sitting with one leg crossed and the other tangling from the edge, "You really do like that fucking shirt, don't you?" smirked Ronan. Adam gazed down while he got under the covers and focused on Ronan again.

The shirt was huge on him, but it held the phrase "The Queen is Dead", which was his favorite album by his favorite band, The Smiths. He got under the covers too, and propped an arm under his head, gazing between Ronan and the ceiling. 

"Reminds me of you." he said, a little softer.

"I'm glad." Ronan was in the same position as him, but with his eyes on the ceiling, "Imagine if it reminded you of some other dude that sucked your dick." Adam opened a genuine, bright smile, and saw the same happen to Ronan, "That'd be strange."

Adam buried the side of his face in the pillow. Ronan looked at him, right in the eye, and sighed very quietly, both of their smiles fading away once they noticed the proximity they were. Ronan's hand was lifting slowly, until he reached Adam's temple, and caressed it.

Adam loved Ronan's hands. They were big and sometimes rough, but next to Adam it just felt like it fit. Adam never wanted that protection to leave, but he was too proud to say so.

And then Ronan was leaning in, and touching his lips to Adam's in the sweetest way possible, holding him close and promising with his touch that he'd stay. That he was there, and he wasn't leaving.

But Adam was. 

Adam felt the urge to cry while Ronan's lips still met his, but he bit it back. Ronan pulled away, and touched their foreheads, closing his eyes, "Ronan-" started Adam, his voice filled with tears already.

"Shh." hushed Ronan, shaking his head, "Wait. Just a little longer."

Ronan knew what Adam was doing, "You don't even know what I'm gonna say."

Ronan opened his eyes, but looked anywhere else besides Adam's eyes; his collarbone, hem of his shirt, cheeks, lips, "Your mail." his voice had changed too, "When I dropped off your sweater at St. Agnes while you were at work yesterday."

Adam's hand found Ronan's hips, and rested there, "I saw the letter." he jolted at the touch ever so lightly.

Adam shook his head, "You didn't open it." he said, "You don't know what it said."

Ronan finally looked at him, bewildered, "Of course I know what they said." he spoke at such a low volume he was almost whispering, "Adam, they'd be idiots not to accept you-"

"Ronan-"

"No, listen." he propped himself up on an elbow, looking down at Adam, still so close it would be half a second for them to kiss, "I'm not saying this because I'm your boyfriend, Adam."

Adam stood a little frozen beneath Ronan's touch. Boyfriend. They had never used that word. He closed his eyes, and placed a hand behind Ronan's neck, stroking it, "I got in." he said, desperately, "Ronan, I got in."

A small gasp came out of Ronan's mouth, right before it was replaced with a soft laugher, muffled by him hugging down Adam and burying his head on his neck. He kissed him there, lots of times, "God, you bastard." he whispered, "Of course you did."

When Ronan pulled away, both of their expressions had changed; Ronan had a mixture of happy and scared spreading on his face, but Adam had only doubt. He kissed Adam on the cheek, slow and careful, all the things Ronan usually wasn't with anything else, just with Adam. 

The pain he felt inside his chest started, and Adam shut his eyes to contain his tears. He couldn't cry, not now, not when Ronan was there with him and their time together was so little from now on.

"Ronan." he whispered audibly, and he stopped and looked down at Adam again, reaching to touch his hair and lace his fingers with his curls. Now Adam was the one struggling with words, "We have to talk about this."

Ronan shook his head, "No." he said, "Not now. Please." 

He reached and stopped the hands on his hair, kissing the top of Ronan's hand. Ronan closed his eyes, "I know this is the last thing you want to hear." Ronan grunted, like he didn't believe Adam. He laid down again, eyes to the ceiling, "Ronan, I know. I don't want to, either."

"Then don't." he looked at him, "Not tonight, Adam." 

"I need to.” he said, turning to face Ronan, "I only came here so-"

"Oh, okay." said Ronan, his voice different, "It's nice to know you came here to tell me you're leaving."

"Ronan, no-"

He turned, before Adam could say anything else, tattoo exposed through his shirt, "Go to sleep, Parrish."

Right, so he was Parrish right then. Adam scoffed, "Stop that. Don't act like this is one of our average fights."

They fought a lot, Ronan knew that very well, considering he was the one who started them, most of the time. He ignored Adam, because he was right; this wasn't their everyday fight. This was Adam leaving and him wanting to talk to Ronan and just the thought of the conversation was infuriating and heartbreaking to him.

"Ronan." he said, louder, "Please."

Ronan turned abruptly, "You wanna talk? Fine, let's fucking talk." he sat up, and once again looked down at Adam, who tried to say something, but Ronan cut him off, "You got into Columbia, and everyone, I'm not just saying myself, knew you'd get in. Gansey and Blue already gave me this conversation, Adam." Ronan looked like he was tired, just from doing all this effort to formulate words that made sense, "I know how this goes." 

"You don't even let me talk." Adam sat up too, crossing his legs, "Ronan, I'm not breaking up with you."

He knew Adam wasn't breaking up with him, of course he wasn't. But the thought of Ronan having to either drive to New York or Adam to the Barns every single weekend formed in his mind; he'd make that sacrifice, he had no problem in driving there.

It wasn't that. 

It wasn't Adam the problem, because Adam was simply perfect, and though Ronan knew that he could end this and break his heart, Ronan would still do anything for him.

He knew he wasn't enough.

"I'm saying this because-" he stopped, slightly uncomfortable that Ronan wasn't looking at him, or not touching him in any way for that matter, "Ronan, I'm not gonna let this come between us."

Ronan wanted to scream into a pillow, but he contained himself entirely. He didn't want to agree or disagree, instead he gave Adam his silence, knowing it would piss him off, but keep him from saying things he shouldn't.

After a minute of silence, Ronan heard fumbling, "Fine." said Adam, irritation all over his voice, "Call me when you're done acting like a child." he took the pillow next to Ronan's, and exited the room.

Rain turned into a storm outside. Ronan was already cold.

***

Sometime that night, Ronan was able to sleep.

He knew Adam was too proud to come back to bed, and Ronan didn't know what to think, so he didn't stand up and walk down the stairs. He didn't sit on the edge of the couch waiting until Adam finally looked at him and made everything better. He didn't.

Instead, he let the sun wake him. He hadn't closed the blinds, so the moment the sun came up, Ronan was awake. He didn't bother to change clothes like he usually would before breakfast. He walked to Opal's room and woke her, heading down the stairs and bracing himself to face Adam.

They weren't going to fight. Not that morning.

"Parrish?" he called, but once he turned the corner of the living room, the couch was empty, with only his pillow and blanket there. He approached it worryingly and noticed there was something other than a pillow and blanket; there was a small, black pen drive. The one Adam used to study.

Ronan's name was written on it. 

His brow furrowed; Adam wasn't the type of person to write down his feelings. He was more of a person that just laid the feelings he had been holding for days, months, years on the table all at once. He wasn't expecting it, at all. He looked around, and noticed that Opal hadn't come down to breakfast. Usually he'd get mad, scream at her just because he had the chance, but that pen drive was speaking louder.

Ronan walked up the stairs to his room, where he remembered Adam leaving his very old yet usable laptop he had scraped all his money to buy for school, because Aglionby required one, but Adam barely had the money to buy his own food. Ronan had offered to buy one, but of course Adam had refused.

He plugged it in, and watched as the file opened on the screen. It a written document, with little text on it, and Ronan read in his mind:

You asked me why I use that Smiths shirt so much. I told you it reminded me of you.

You should know why.

https://lyrics.com/the-smiths/theres-a-light-that-never-goes-out

Ronan hesitated, but clicked the link.

A song started. A song Ronan had only heard once; it had probably been the happiest day of his life. 

Take me out tonight  
Where there's music and there's people   
Who are young and alive

It was a long weekend. Adam drove to the Barns, and they spent four days alone, just with each other, doing everything and nothing.

They had left Opal at Fox Way, and Ronan really couldn't believe it was able to love a person this much. It was Adam cooking dinner for them, or trying to make their old television work. It was Adams smiling at him, against his lips or to the floor, embarrassed. He remembered this once, when they were bored and Adam suggested they go out for a ride in the BMW. At some point, Adam turned on the radio, and sang this song. Ronan had laughed at him, commenting on how much of a horrible singer he was, but that only made Adam smile and sing louder, turning the volume up.

Driving in your car  
I never never want to go home  
Because I haven't got one, anymore

He listened, and the imagine of Robert Parrish appeared in his mind for a second. Before he and Adam were even close to touching the way they touch now, he watched him from a distance. It was Adam's black eye one morning before Latin that made Ronan's heart turn, crash and spill all over the goddamned floor. It was the way he avoided turning around or moving too fast and touching the side of his stomach in pain that made Ronan want to tear down that fucking trailer apart. In the early stages of his crush on Adam, it was his father that made him realize his feelings. He couldn’t bear watching Adam hurt. He hated it so much he had to constantly remind himself not to lose his temper about it whenever Adam flinched.

The song went on, and the verse repeated, a little differently.

And if a double-decker bus crashes into us  
To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die  
And if a ten-ton truck kills the both of us  
To die by your side  
Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

Ronan closed his eyes. He understood that feeling. The feeling he got whenever he had Adam in the BMW with him and everything else didn’t matter. God, the way Adam had looked back at him in those moments, high off the road, car speeding and their windows down it suddenly wasn’t about the adrenaline of racing. It was the adrenaline of being able to look to his side and see Adam fucking Parrish staring at him just as he’s been staring for a year now.

Take me out tonight  
Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care, I don't care  
Just driving in your car  
I never never want to go home  
Because I haven't got one, oh lord  
No, I haven't got one

Ronan took his phone of his back pocket, the song being muffled from his concentration on the other line, just waiting for Adam to pick up. His heart felt like it was about to burst out of his chest.

"Hey." said Adam, his voice soft.

"Why?" asked Ronan, harder, angrier, "Why the fuck did you make me listen to this?"

"Ronan-"

"Why the fuck did you do this, Parrish?" he hissed, a tear, small and harmless streamed down Ronan's cheek. Ronan never cried, "What are you trying to achieve, exactly?!"

"Ronan." Adam's voice remained the same, "Did you hear it until the end?"

"It doesn't fucking matter if I did!" he said, standing up and pacing quickly, "I can't believe you. You fucking-"

Ronan stopped. 

There is a light that never goes out.  
There is a light that never goes out.

It repeated. Over and over again until it died down and the song stopped playing. Ronan let himself sit on his bed, wide eyed.

He still held the phone like it was the only thing keeping him alive, "Hey." Adam softly said, "You still there?"

"What the fuck are you trying to say, Adam?" Ronan's voice was now desperate, quieter, exhausted.

"I loved that song when I was little." he started, "I used to play it over and over again until I had memorized the lyrics, the beat, the sound. It was... the only thing that kept me going."

Ronan's skin burned, "Adam..."

"I overanalyzed the lyrics like I always do." he chuckled lightly. Ronan felt a smile tug at his lips, "I used to think that the guy singing it was just like me. Going through something terrible, and all he needed was to walk away."

He listened, "Ronan, sometimes driving with you around Henrietta back then was the only thing I needed to be sane."

Ronan shook his head, "Adam-"

"Let me finish." he asked, carefully, "Please."

Ronan hesitated, shaking, "Okay."

"I'm happy with you." he admitted, "I've never felt happier then I am right now, Ronan. All those nights at the Barns, everything I said, it was true."

He felt frozen, "You know why this song kept me going?" he questioned, ever so quietly, "All I ever wanted to do was kill myself. I wanted to end it all, Ronan. I-I thought that if I died, my father wouldn't be able to get to me in heaven. That night I told you about. The vodka bottle had fallen from his hand and the glass was right there, Ronan. I had reached for it. I was going to do it." 

Rona felt like falling apart, "Adam, stop, please-"

"But I couldn’t do it. Not because of something as stupid as my pride. I knew I wanted to turn my life around and never feel like that again and I know y’all think of me as someone who’s made or iron and is the strongest person you know but it’s not always like that, okay? I couldn’t do it because I kept seeing Blue’s face. Gansey’s face. God, even Noah’s dead one." his voice was so vulnerable, so desperate to tell him, “And you and that fucking car, Ronan – it sounds so silly-"

"No." said Ronan, "It's not. Don't say that."

"I found a way around it." he ignored, "After Cabeswater and Gansey dying and you fucking kissing me... I didn’t think about my life that way anymore. I used to think that killing myself was the light the singer refers to in the song. The light that would never go out."

"Ronan, dying wasn't that light." Adam said, low, "That light was happiness. It was saving Gansey. Cabeswater. My magic. It was coming home to you. It was everything I had gone through."

"Now..." Ronan heard him sigh, "I can say another good thing came into my life. That doesn't mean I need to let go of the other things that make me happy."

"I know, Adam." he said, finally, "Fuck, I know. I'm sorry-"

"You don't have to apologize." said Adam, "Your feelings were completely valid. You were afraid. I was, too."

Ronan wiped his nose, trying to ignore that fact that he had actually cried with Adam on the phone, "Where are you?"

"New York." said Adam, laughing a bit, "Gansey said he had some stuff to do around here so I hopped on a ride on his fucking private jet."

“You must be enjoying that, fucker.” Ronan laughed, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I knew you'd want to come with me." Said Adam, "But this is something I need to do on my own. I can't promise you anything before I see it."

Ronan hummed, and there was a small silence, "Ronan?"

"Yeah?"

"You were my light too." said Adam, "As cheesy as that sounds."

Ronan really did try to contain his smile, "Hurry it up there, you asshole." he said, "Don't expect me to raise a child on my own, now, Parrish."

"I will." Adam smiled, "Take care, okay?"

"Jesus." he stood up and walked out the door, "How long are you staying?"

"We’ll both be there tomorrow morning." he answered.

Ronan blinked, grinning, "I can’t believe you’re making bake that pie alone." 

“Good luck.” He said, in a playful tone and ending the phone call.

It stopped raining.

***

Adam texted Ronan at 8a.m saying he had gotten to St. Agnes. Ronan protested, and asked him if he wanted him to pick him up there. Adam refused, and apologized saying that he'd buy the drinks for the day and drive there at lunch time.

"Ronan!" Richard Gansey's voice echoed through the house when the sun was shining bright and above their heads like there hadn’t been a storm at all, "We've arrived, Lynch!"

Ronan took a breath as he got to the bottom of the stairs, and turned the corner, "Well, what a fucking pleasure."

Gansey, Blue and Henry were all standing by the living room. Blue came forward to hug him, "Oh c'mon, Lynch. Gimme a hug."

He tried not to smile, but bent down and lifted her up, "Sargent." he buried his face in Blue's neck, and relaxed a little.

“Guess what, Dicky?” said Ronan after putting Blue down. Gansey raised his eyebrows, “We made you some pie.”

Blue and Henry laughed at Gansey’s expression but Ronan marely ruffled his hair, smiling to himself. When he disappeared into the kitchen, he snatched his phone from his pocket and dialed Adam's number.

"Hey-"

"Where the fuck are you?" complained Ronan, leaning against the counter, "Blue and Gansey are here already."

Ronan heard the sound of a car parking outside, and gazed out the window to see Adam's old and merely working car pull up. He smiled from inside, and hung up, stomach dropping a little. He went outside, not caring if the others would see it. He just needed Adam. Just for a second.

Adam got out of the car, and before he could say anything else, Ronan kissed him.

It was sweet and short, but it was enough for Adam to know that everything would be okay. They weren't perfect, in any way, but they fit. They built their own definition of perfect, and that was all Ronan needed. Adam smiled, touching his nose to Ronan's, "If this is your way of saying 'I missed you' you really gotta work on your communicating skills-"

He pecked the smile off Adam's lips, and ignored the blush on his cheeks when Adam giggled, "C'mon, the others are inside."

Ronan linked their fingers, and walked to the house. Their home.


End file.
